-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
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[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
[montage of me giving-up]
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”