me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date