“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
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I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
barbara was highly relatable
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”