[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”