Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
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*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
me when i see my girls butt
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Effort made
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75