Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
When you kidnap a writer.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Ironic
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes