Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.