Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
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🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band