Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
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I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
opening twitter today
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I think costco should be the next president of the united states