I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
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[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.