Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
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I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding