I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
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This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy