I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
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9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
For the orator and chef in all of us
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.