I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
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Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!