Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
You Might Also Like
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I love the National Park Service.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.