I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
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“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit