I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”