7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
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Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
whatcha thinkin bout
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
This did not end as expected.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.