HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
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Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
kevin is now a local weatherman
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully