Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.