Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?