I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
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3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Hell yeah 👍
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.