Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
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Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
They got Raph!
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming