What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
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Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I guess cinco de mustard didn鈥檛 have the same ring to it
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it鈥檚 like i鈥檓 eating human ears but they鈥檙e tasty
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don鈥檛 think I need to explain any further.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
馃幍 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 馃幍
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would鈥檝e been awesome
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
If you鈥檙e gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like 鈥淛eff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I鈥檓 hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I鈥檒l be a gazillionaire.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I鈥檓 thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What鈥檚 up?
4yo: There鈥檚 a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you鈥檝e been acting it won鈥檛 stick around long.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”