[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!