MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
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[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him