“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
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When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED