Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
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This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Check your privilege
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.