Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
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My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?