Rich people don’t understand cereal
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Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
fixed it
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.