New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you