Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
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Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
sigh
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?