I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.