No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
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Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Just grow your own
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.