Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
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Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
My Sentiments Exactly
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving