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Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
not for long
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*