Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
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Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song