My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese