Cat.
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Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
We’ve all been there…
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option