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I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.