Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
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I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.