Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant