Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?