If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
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Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.