YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
first you must answer his riddles
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater