The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
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“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”