CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
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I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
never ask a starfish for directions
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
If looks could kill
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced