Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
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god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Just ordered me some pizza!
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul