Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
You Might Also Like
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.