Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
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That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
“What?”
– Jude
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Another interesting #factupdates post!